Miss Manners: I told the subway rider he was rude, and he got huffy

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The following has happened to me twice recently, and I consider it rude.

On both occasions, I took an empty seat on the subway (I am elderly and don’t want to stand if I don’t have to), only to discover that the two people I sat between were together and wanted to talk.

And on both occasions, the person I spoke to said, “That’s OK, I don’t mind,” which I found a very odd response. They then continued talking to their friend over me, oblivious to how inconsiderate it was.

On the most recent occasion, I went on to say, “Actually, it’s bad manners to have a conversation over someone who is not with you.”

“Manners?” he said, as if he had never heard the word. Then he said, heaving a big sigh, “That’s OK. I’ll stop talking!”

Don’t you find that odd? Why couldn’t he have just changed seats?

GENTLE READER: Or perhaps his surprise was that a stranger would publicly (and rudely) correct his manners.

Although the phrasing of your initial offer to swap places — as a favor to him — was not exactly rude, Miss Manners knows what was in your heart. She would have preferred a less antagonistic, and likely more effective, approach such as, “Could we please switch seats?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a woman with a deep voice and forthright manner. When I am on the phone with a call center, I am often called “sir.” I hate this. I think they should not assume.

My first name on my account is Rosalind, which I have never heard to be a male name.

How can I respond? I usually say, “Don’t assume!” and they apologize. But it never feels right.

GENTLE READER: Certainly, it would be better if they had gotten it right the first time. But they addressed you with “sir,” not “Hey, Roz!,” and then apologized for their mistake. This suggests there was no intent to offend.

Given this, Miss Manners thinks it would be better — and might also feel better — if you were to respond in a less confrontational manner: “Actually, I prefer ‘madam.'”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to deal with paper napkins?

A cloth napkin is easy: You spread it on your lap. But paper napkins are often too small and flimsy to be used that way. Plus, they are normally used when the dining is very causal. Nevertheless, should that paper napkin still go on the lap?

GENTLE READER: Yes, unless that puts it in danger of being blown away by the next gust of wind, in which case Miss Manners suggests partially sitting on it. She would also agree to any other method of securing it, so long as it is out of sight and you promise not to tell her about it.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

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